May 2007

Joy is one slice of a nine-part fruit the Holy Spirit wants to produce in my life. So why do I lack it so often? Have I gotten so wrapped up in seeking to control things around me that I’ve let that fruit shrivel and die?

I’ve been asking myself these questions today, realizing a few things…

When I try to control my circumstances, other people’s responses and actions, or anything else in life, I’m led to the exact opposite of joy. I end up with serious tension headaches that are difficult to shake.

The trouble is, it’s easy to observe an over-controlling attitude in other people, but not so easy to spot it in myself – to see that the urge to control is a major joy stealer. One clue I have besides the headaches is noticing how upset I get when things don’t go my way. Sometimes I find myself cringing at change, pulling back instead of embracing what God might bring my way. The glass half empty kind of thinking. Or maybe more accurately, an escapist mentality.

No one delights in growing older, except little children who can’t wait to be grown up. Elderly people are always telling me, “don’t get old.” Well, who wants to? That’s why wrinkle creams and hair dyes and diet schemes and trendy clothes are popular among women in the mid-life era. Who wants to look older – especially in a culture that thrives on youth?

There are times when I wish I could go back to the days when the kids were small. It’s easier to control the circumstances when our children are little. We can bandage the hurts and protect them from dangers. Not so when they are grown men and women.

I asked Randy what he would change in life if he could. His answer was something he has some control over, so his change is possible. Mine wasn’t. Everything I would change – my health, the empty nest that’s sure to come, the career in publishing I long for – is truly beyond my ability to control. In some cases, I can work toward such ends, but I can’t control the outcome.

Life doesn’t stay stagnant, and time slows for no man. No one escapes the future, everyone dies someday, and we grow older every minute, like it or not. There is no earthly fountain of youth, and no such thing as a time machine to relive the past. Trying to think otherwise is futile.

And trying to control other people or the circumstances we find ourselves faced with rather than embracing the future with acceptance, even anticipation, serves to rob us of the joy that can be ours in Christ.

After Jesus rose from the dead, He had a heart-to-heart talk with Peter about the future. He told Peter the kind of death he would die to glorify God. I’m not sure I would have wanted to know that kind of future, and maybe Peter didn’t like it much either because rather than accepting the news with grace, he looked at John and said to Jesus, “What about him, Lord?”

Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” (John 21:22 NIV)

Despite our human desires to the contrary, we have no real control over the future, other people, even our own lives. The only thing we can control is how we will respond to what is given to us.

God longs to give His children great joy. But we have to relinquish control of everything to Him to get it.

I’m back from Frankenmuth – actually Randy and I got back Wednesday night. We would have stayed one more day, but Randy caught a head cold the day we left and it wasn’t getting better. We had fun in our two nights and three days’ stay regardless – amazing how much there is to do in a town we have often frequented over the years.

Frankenmuth is the #1 tourist attraction in Michigan. Mackinac Island is second and Greenfield Village third. Frankenmuth was founded by German Lutheran immigrants who wanted to preserve their faith and heritage in a new land and give a Christian testimony to the area Indians in the process. The historical museum is quite interesting with hands on displays and lots of insights into the past.

We walked everywhere, took a carriage ride around the area, found the best chocolate shop ever (better than Godiva or Dove or any other specialty chocolate I’ve had), and ate lots of their famous chicken and fixings. I even talked my dear husband into going for a pedicure – our first. (Randy declined the painted toe nails, but I succumbed – it’s a girl thing.) :) I might get used to being so pampered.

We took advantage of the Bavarian Inn’s exercise room and adult swimming pool (they have five indoor pools) but didn’t have time to play miniature golf or foose ball or tennis. Not sure my body would have liked tennis so much. :) They also have a military and space museum we wanted to check out but ran out of time. And of course, you can’t visit Frankenmuth without stopping by Bronner’s Christmas Wonderland. That place has everything related to Christmas 365 days of the year.

Coming home had its own surprises. Our youngest son is helping us do some remodeling/painting around the house, and he got started while we were gone. So the house is in a bit of disarray. Thursday I joined in helping him paint another wall, so we’re coming along. Tomorrow we’re supposed to do more. Today we took a break to check out the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie. If you haven’t seen the first two, watch them first, then definitely go to see this film. I would have done things a bit differently where the romance was concerned, but I won’t mention what that is here – don’t want to ruin anyone’s movie-going experience.

Another surprise was finding out how thoughtful our boys can be. Normally, we don’t make a big deal out of our anniversary – just dinner out for the two of us. We started going away for a few days on our 25th five years ago and came home to find they’d bought us a microwave oven. (Hard to miss a gift that big sitting in the middle of the kitchen table when we returned.)

This year, they decided that 30 years deserved something special as well, so they researched digital cameras and bought us one, all wrapped up in pretty paper too! I think they’re having as much fun with it as we will. :) I can’t wait to have time to figure out the features and use it.

Getting away was great, and I’m glad we had the opportunity. But I’m equally glad to be home, and most thankful to be so blessed.

Tomorrow is our 30th wedding anniversary! Where did the time go? Seems like just yesterday I was a young bride walking down the aisle, saying “I do” to my beloved Randy. We honeymooned in Florida, traveling all the way to the Keys, seeing the sites, then spent several days at the Polynesian Resort in Disney World. I’ve got some great memories…

A few years later we traveled to Washington State, California and then Hawaii, all before the boys came along. Hard to believe all those years of raising them are past. They’re all adults now, pushing toward lives of their own.

Thirty years. It seems but a few days.

Of course thirty years deserves a celebration, and we decided getting away for a few days was a good place to start. So tomorrow we’ll be driving to Frankenmuth, a quaint German town north of us with wonderful chicken dinners and old world charm. The town was founded by Christian missionaries many years ago and is home to one of the largest Christmas stores – maybe the largest – in the state. (Did I mention that I love Christmas, too?)

We’ve been to Frankenmuth many times, even stayed there once when the kids were small, but there are still a few things we’ve never done. A horse-drawn carriage ride for one. But we’ll see…

I love to travel, and we still hope to visit some places we’ve never been one day – places like Steamtown in Pennsylvania, to see Chicago’s many attractions, and to take in the beauty of the East Coast. If the place wasn’t so volatile, I wouldn’t mind seeing where Jesus walked in Israel either. But for now, the timing is only right for a short trip. Maybe gas prices will go down before we travel farther from home. (They’ve jumped about a dollar a gallon in the past month!)

In the meantime, I won’t be posting for several days, so check back toward the end of the week. Maybe I’ll have some fun things to share about our trip. Or something more interesting. :)

Don’t have too much fun without me, okay? :)

My son took me for a ride in his convertible today. Except for one other brief ride when he got the car, I’ve never ridden in a car with the top down, wind in my hair, sun on my face. It was fun! I even discovered that Ryan is a good driver. Imagine that! :) He’s also got a fair bit of wisdom for such a young man.

I’ve been thinking again – and praying for wisdom myself these days. I’ve struggled with some confusion regarding what God wants me to do with the writing gift – what would please Him best as I make use of it? There are so many ways to communicate with words – story is the one I love best, but there are other ways He uses words that can be equally effective.

As I’ve thought about this issue yet again, (I tend to revisit it often these days, particularly after a rejection) Ryan made some comments that took my thoughts to another level – and that is, I began to think about what or rather who I’m writing for. I’m not talking about just some unknown audience out there that I can’t see. That’s too vague. What I want to know is, if I’m going to write mystery/suspense or Biblical fiction or romantic suspense novels, who cares? Who am I hoping to reach with my stories? What person will benefit or be entertained or blessed by such work? Am I writing only for me?

Of course, if I am writing only for my own enjoyment, that’s OK, but it also means that my work should be relegated to my hobby, not my ministry or career. If God has given me a ministry to people, then I need to know who those people are, so that I can serve them better, right? That’s how I see it, but that doesn’t mean God sees it my way. Which is why I’m praying for wisdom, asking God to show me.

I have a deep compassion for women who struggle with forgiveness – accepting God’s forgiveness for sins they can barely admit to themselves, over shameful secrets or just plain stupid things they wish they could undo – and allowing that forgiveness to truly set them free. A forgiveness so far reaching that it touches their past, present, and future. Jesus died to do just that, and I would love to share that truth through whatever means God allows.

So we’ll see what God shows me in the coming months. I’m considering trying out a new ministry through our church. Whatever the case, I think it’s important for believers to stay open to God’s leading – to remember that this life is short and our stay on earth temporary. If we love Jesus, we’re here to do His will, to follow and obey where He leads. For me, that may include writing the next great suspense novel or a letter to a hurting friend or a simple entry on my blog or something altogether different.

Whatever the case, I want to write or work with a purpose keeping in mind the person who will be blessed or helped by the effort – while at the same time –

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men…”

It’s been quite a week and it’s only Wednesday. It is Wednesday, isn’t it? I’ve been hit this week with a difficult rejection, a lot of running around looking into caring for an elderly parent, trying to keep on top of normal life, and struggling to keep from letting the whirlpool of emotions suck me under. Doubts have crept in – maybe I’ve misread the Lord all these years…is He only good when we see our dreams fulfilled…if He wants to grant those dreams, why wait so long…aging is so hard…watching loved ones age is harder still…and on and on…

I know I’m not the only person who feels overwhelmed sometimes. It’s part of life, and a time when it’s so easy to question the whys of things. Depression knocks softly at first, then starts beating down the door. That’s how this morning felt, like discouragement and defeat were ready to kick the door in. And the week is only half over!

I love remembering the Old Testament people at times like this, especially when my faith wavers. Not faith in my God to save me, but faith in His ability to keep me from falling.

David felt that way after years of running from King Saul. He was weary of the struggle, certain that Saul would eventually kill him. So he ran away to a foreign land, keeping himself from King Saul’s clutches.

Elijah felt overwhelmed too, even after a huge victory. Physically and emotionally exhausted, he succumbed to despair, certain he was the only one left in the land who had stayed true to Yahweh.

Abraham doubted when he gave in to Sarah’s prompting to have a child with her handmaiden, certain that somehow he’d misheard God, that maybe Sarah wasn’t part of the promise of a son.

Three Godly men whom Scripture commends for their faith, were dragged to the edge of despair and doubted God had the ability to keep His Word, to keep them from falling. They knew what overwhelmed felt like. I take comfort in that.

Of course, David found out that running was exactly the opposite of what God wanted him to do. Elijah found comfort when he told God what was troubling him. And Abraham found that God kept His Word to him despite his poor choices.

The thing is, God really is good and faithful even when we don’t have something tangible right now to point to to prove it. Maybe this week’s rejection stings like none other and the doubts are at fever pitch. Maybe we are tired of running from our enemies or feel like there is no one else who holds to the faith like we do. Maybe we are convinced that God promised us something, and He’s failed to follow through. Or maybe we’re just weary of life, and getting older, watching people sitting around waiting to die, is more than we can bear.

It’s okay to be overwhelmed sometimes. Even doubts can show us that we’re still searching for truth, not hard-hearted against it. But eventually, we need to look back and remember the good God has already done in our lives. Remember where we were when God rescued us. Think about how great He is and all that He has promised us in the world to come, when His justice reigns and sin is no more.

As Jude reminds us at the end of his letter (the last little book before the book of Revelation in the New Testament) – “To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.”

…with great joy…I like that.

So far this has been a wonderful Mother’s Day. :) We had great lessons at church and then my guys took me out for dinner to one of my favorite Italian restaurants. There they gave me some cards, and my sweet husband gave me a little package wrapped in gold foil paper. I didn’t expect a gift. (Usually he brings me flowers.)

I opened the package and inside was something I’d had on my wish list for years – a mother’s ring. It’s thin yellow gold with a stone for each of my three sons – garnet, emerald, and topaz. Absolutely beautiful!

After dinner we went to visit my mom (Randy’s mom is with the Lord now), and talked for a while. When I got home I went to this website to read what some authors had to say about their moms – advice their moms had given them. So I decided to do the same thing and share the best advice my mom gave me.

I could share a lot of things my mom has taught me over the years, but the older I get, the more I cherish these words:

“God’s timing is never wrong.”

I’ve fought against that truth time and again over the years. And as our pastor taught this morning from Jeremiah’s life, I’ve had my share of complaining at God when His timing and mine have not aligned. (Jeremiah complained that the wicked prospered while he didn’t. He wanted God’s justice now.) I’ve wanted God’s timing to line up with mine now.

But you know, as time has passed and God hasn’t given in to my whining, I appreciate my mom’s advice more than ever. Maybe Jeremiah’s mom never said those words, but even if she did, like me, he might not have agreed with her.

In Jeremiah 12, he said, “You are always righteous, O LORD, when I bring a case before you. Yet I would speak with you about your justice: Why does the way of the wicked prosper? Why do all the faithless live at ease?”

In other words, “I know you’re always right, Lord, but I want to argue with you anyway. I don’t think you’re handling this justly, and I want action now.” (My paraphrase.)

I’ve argued with God more than once in my life, usually about His timing. But then I remember my mom’s oft repeated words.

“God’s timing is never wrong.”

And you know what? It never is.

~Happy Mother’s Day~